It Does Matter.

Beautiful India...I left a part of my heart there.  I do each and every time, to every place I travel to. 

     One last story from Silchar, Assam.... I was working in post-op one day, discharging the kiddos from the day before and getting ready for the first ones to come out of surgery. I heard loud screaming coming from the ward next to us. It was a large ward of men. The room was filled with men recovering from surgery, sick, healing or dying, a sea of beds and mats on the floor. I walked by the ward each time I went down the long hall and would peek in and wave to the patients sitting up or walking in the halls. I saw chest tubes draining into old, used saline bottle or water bottles, rusty IV poles, and children playing between and under the beds while visiting their families. I continued to hear the screaming for hours. The screaming continued. 10/10 pain screaming. I sometimes tell my own patients as they are eating McDonalds and laughing that that 10 out of 10 is like being caught on fire and having your arm ripped off and then drug by a car at highways speed and that perhaps they could reconsider their 10/10 pain number they just gave me. This sound was that, 10/10. 

     At some point, I came to the conclusion that I could not listen to this man suffering any longer. I was torn. A part of me was worried that I shouldnt get involved, scared of what I would find. But, I realized that all of that didn't matter. I didnt care. I was a person and I knew that I could help and he was a man that needed help. I asked my favorite translator to join me. And we went. All eyes were on me as I walked in and asked, well...sort of demanded to know what was going on. I walked up to the man and placed my hand on his chest and for a moment,the screaming quieted. I asked the translator to talk to him and she walked up to the head of his bed and turned her face away, saying "I cant do this." I told her she could and she did. I looked up at his face and saw. He had been struck by lightning the night before. The left side of his face had been completely burned, his left eye burned and looked as if it had been ruptured. It was draining clear/yellowish fluid down his face, part of the fluid dripping, partially dried, leaving a white trail down his cheek. He had burns to his legs. All exposed, not cleaned or wrapped and weeping fluid. 

     Through translation, I discovered that the patients families are the ones that go to get the patients medications filled. This man had no one, he had been dropped off. I glanced at the chart and saw only mild pain meds ordered only twice a day. I asked the translator why the other families with their small children playing in the room and around the screaming man allowed this to continue. I asked why they didn't help. I was told that they all had their own patients to attend to. I felt anger. I told her to go get the nurse or the doctor and that I wanted to speak with them. I then told her to find someone to go get the medicine and that I would pay for it. The nurse arrived and I ended up not having to pay for the meds. Someone went to get them. The nurse medicated him and then cleaned and bandaged the burns. I had to return to post-op to take care of the kiddos coming off the OR table but I went back that day, and everyday the rest of the time I was there to check in on him. I would walk up to him, put my hand on his chest and comfort him for just a minute, say a silent prayer. I would stop by another man in the ward that had been burned and visit him and say hi to the man on the bed by the door with his chest tube draining in the plastic, used water bottle. 

     If not me or you, then who. One person, one tiny seed of hope. It does matter. 

The Wee-ist Ones

33 tiny ones with room for 50 and 2 nurses. This is what I saw when we entered the NICU in the hospital in Silchar.  Little tiny ones...with sticky, transparent skin. So thin that I could see their blue veins and their little hearts beating in their chests.  Many were so sick that I knew they wouldn't be there the next day.  A few, I was certain, were taking their last breaths right there in front of us, irregular respirations and unable to cry, their mouths open in an weak attempt with tearless eyes.  The NICU was a far cry from what we would see in the US. There was only one ventilator, a lack of equipment and not many Mothers.  A group of Mothers sat in a small room right in front of the entry door.  Holding their babies and feeding them.  To enter, we had to remove our shoes and the nurses or Moms would give us some sandals, sometimes their very own, that were allowed in the ward, "for infection." I met a young Doctor that chose to work there. I asked him if he was a resident and had to work there in the government hospital and he answered "No. I want to work here."

The great Dr. that keeps an eye on all the babies in the NICU

 And so, we added a trip by the NICU to our daily rounds that included the men and women in the burn unit and other wards.  Bed by bed, we walked with him as he told us their stories. There were sets of twins, septic workups, malnourished, and "brain injuries during birth."  They had handwritten tags attached to them and were doubled up in the beds.  Many, many times, he would get to a baby and say that they were abandoned and almost all of the abandoned were baby girls. I started to ask questions. The ones with a Mother, why weren't the mothers there to hold them as they died?  He explained that the mothers came every 2 hours and were allowed to breast feed but that they didn't understand due to their lack of education. I asked, talking about the ones that were near death, "Im sure they want to be here, Im sure they care." Then he said something that I cannot get out of my mind or heart. He said to me, "Its not that they don't care. They cant care."  As he explained the differences in a government hospital and a private one, I started to think of the situation there.  What it means to have a girl baby.  For the most part, girls cant grow up and and make money, and in fact, a girl costs the family money in the form of a large dowery once it is time for her to marry.  Add this to the stress of daily life without shelter, money, health care, or enough food to feed the mouths that are already starving and one can see why abandoning a tiny girl is a choice for many parents in the area.

Double bunked with handwritten tag

      I grew fond of a chunky little girl, she was healthy and was going to be discharged to a state orphanage in the following days. Abandoned. I would hover a bit longer by her bed, touching her arms and fat legs, praying, racking my brain and for a split second trying to think if it would be possible for me or a friend to adopt her.  Just this one.  What future would she have if she had a family. Would she grow up in Assam and be adopted, would she change the world? And then one morning, I was searching for her and I asked him, "Where is my baby?" He said, "She expired last night, she had convulsions." On that same morning, I looked around the room and saw more then one "expired" baby still in their beds or moved to a metal shelf, ones that did not survive the night. I think of her and them often.

     We were lucky enough to also visit the L & D ward and even met a brand new baby, minutes old. Women are not allowed to have anyone with her during birth except for the doctor.  They deliver alone, on a cold metal bed of sorts.  I hope one day this will change.  We also checked in on the mothers with babies that were not sick enough for the NICU but were not able to go home. Full of smiles, they would proudly unwrap their wee ones for us to see each and every morning.  Growing them up, hopeful for discharge home. 

I will never forget the alone, beautiful, abandoned, precious girl babies.  They DID leave their mark in this world.  As small as they were and as short of a life many of them lived, they changed someone. Me. The translators. The nurses. The doctors. Their Mothers. I think about how, simply because of where they were born, they will never have the chance to become what they could have been.  I am grateful that I can do and become whatever I would like. This, I will not take for granted.

Happy Birthday, today is your day!

The Burn Unit- Round 2

After the first day or two of lunch, I realized we had alot of left-overs. I couldn't bear the thought of all of it going in the trash and so a sign was made.  Food was saved and I decided to take it around the hospital to share to those that were hungry. We didn't have enough for a large group and in the male ward of the burn unit there were only 3 patients. One was a small boy that had spilled something hot in his lap, resulting in a burned penis. One was an older man that had been electrocuted. His wounds were almost healed, you could track the path of the current. His palms and feet had large wounds and a wound on his abdomen looked like an exit of sorts. He was going home soon and would hold his palms up to me when I arrived and asked how he was. The third is a man that is seared into my mind and heart. He was in his mid to late twenties. His entire body was burned.  Even his face and neck.  He had an infection and a mosquito net hanging over him to keep the flies from landing in his open, draining wounds. At his side was what I think was his wife and Mother.  On maybe the third or fourth day, his family wanted to speak with me. With the translator,  they told me that they needed money. His doctors had said that he would die if he didn't go to a better, more equipped hospital in the city. One that could possible help him.  They looked at me and I knew at that moment if I could, I would have done anything to save him. However, the cost was tens of thousands. And I knew, that even with the money, he possibly wouldn't have even lived long enough to make the trip.  The man looked at me, really looked at me. With his pleading, desperate bright eyes holding mine, he said in perfect English with a hoarse, quiet voice, "Please help me. I will die." I will never forget that. How it feels to know that kind of raw truth. To see what it looks like in someones face to know that they are out of options. To look at his family, scared and helpless.  To feel so frustrated.  To feel like sometimes, things are just effffing unfair.  I touched to crook of his arm, perhaps to not only comfort him but myself, and said "I will be praying for you." I did and I do.  I felt my heart breaking when I had to leave the room that day.  I felt defeated but grateful that I had been granted the chance to meet them.  I was changed. The translator, walking down the long hall of death back to post-op said to me, "I cant do this.  It is too hard.  Ive never seen things like this before."  I stopped and put my arm on a shoulder and said, "Just because it isn't seen doesn't mean that it is not real.  You live here, you can change this and you must."  And so we both continued on.  Offering what we could give...words of encouragement, hugs, smiles, tears, nail polish, prayers, and love.
  

Welcome Back, My Child.

I know, its been a while.....As you can see from prior posts or lack of, Im not great at this blogging stuff.  However, I feel compelled to share.  

My Cankle, after the final cast and hardware was removed. 

Heres a brief update. So much has happened over the last many months...I started playing roller derby for Dallas Derby Devils and in a near death experience ;) with a toddler at leisure skate, I rolled my ankle last Feb. This resulted in over a year of chronic issues, ending in 2 surgeries and a few internal metal bits.  I was 100% non-weight bearing, casted with a walker and crutches, and unable to walk for 10 weeks. Living alone made this one of the hardest times in my life emotionally. What I learned: How to drift my walker around the corners on my concrete floors, how to flash the neighbors when falling in the front yard in my robe, how to carry coffee/beer while rolling walker backwards (sometimes flipping it), and how to bedazzle and glitter a cast, Rack City style.  The truth is, I am stronger then I ever knew and that it is extremely hard for me to ask for help. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that is so true.  

Our NEW logo

While I was laid  up, we did make great progress with Nourish. The Nourish Collective, a non-profit I helped to start many years ago, finally received 501c3 tax exemption after several years of dreaming, struggling, tears, help, and love.  We are a collective of sassy, passionate women that have committed our lives to putting hope on the map. From our sparkly new site, "The Nourish Collective’s Mission is to nourish individuals, families, and communities by fostering sustainable solutions to poverty, poor health and disease, and hopelessness through advocacy, education, and a network of combined resources. Over ten years in the making, The Nourish Collective, sprung from caffeine-induced, late night brainstorming about saving the world “Powerpuff Girl style.” This may or may not include glitter and a pink helicopter."  

My part in the Collective includes heading up the Soap & H20 program. We recently completed an instructional, step-by-step manual for making handmade soap for personal use or sale in developing countries. The manual, intended for use in developing nations as part of a comprehensive vocational or small business development program, includes basic education on disease prevention from use of soap and handwashing and basic business development topics including pricing, accounting, and marketing. Helping women and families become sustainable and at the same time, decreasing disease.   


All of this leads me to this.  One day, after what felt like forever, I was back.  After such a long time, just like that, I was on a jet airliner, headed back to my Dear India for the 4th time with Operation Smile.  I was asked to join a mission at a new site in Silchar, Assam.  With the help of my awesome co-coworkers, I was able to say YES.  I was on a team with several friends I have met along my journey and I made many more that will forever hold a place in my heart.  I volunteered with OpSmile, taught soap-making with Nourish, and was able to help feed the kiddos living in the slum with a wonderful non-profit called The Pratyasha Foundation.  My dear friend Leslie, a great gal that I met on my Jordan mission, was my roommate. She always bakes dozens of homemade cookies and we spent many nights in bed, laughing and eating them from the little tupperware boxes she packed them in.  

This trip was difficult as was returning home, leaving behind all I had seen and experienced.  I have had several moments in my life that have caused me to stop and question who I am, what I believe in, what I am made of and where I am going.  What will I do with this precious life I have been given? Times where I am overwhelmed with possibility and left with only more questions and at the same time, knowing I am exactly where I am suppose to be.  This trip was one of those moments.  I will write more about those experiences in a bit.  These are hard to convey. Hard to share. Hard to sort out.  Words seems to only dilute them. 

Feeding & loving the kiddos in the slums of Lakhtokia

During one of my first shifts back in the ER where I work after returning, I took care of an older man. He had bright, brown eyes and  dark chocolate skin.  I asked where he was from and he said, Congo." I said, "DRC." He looked at me as I sat down next to him to place his IV and draw his blood and with his hand in mine, he spoke to me.  He asked me how I knew about DRC and I told him of my recent journey to India, my volunteering in developing nations and even about how I was struggling.  And then, he asked "Why? Why do you go?" I immediately felt tears welling up and my heart stirring.  I sat there, without words and then after a few quiet moments, I said, "I go because I was born to go, I go because I have to, I go because I was made for this. I go because this is what has been placed in my heart and I am unsettled.  But it is hard, and at times I am angry and I often feel alone."  He asked if I was a believer and then said what I will never forget.  "You are different.  God has placed this in you. You have to tell people of your journey. What matters is sharing what you have seen and helping others to understand.  It is the legacy you leave behind. What good is what you have seen if no one else knows? What is God? God is Love. There is no denomination, no rules that man makes up, no right religion, there is only this.  It is simple, we confuse things. God is Love. You are special."  And so, I will tell.  And I will love...a fierce, vulnerable, painful, wonderful love.  And I will be grateful that God used an old, black man with a heavy accent to speak to me.